Caregiving Can Mean Careful Questions

Question: My parents live out of state and this makes it difficult for me to assist with some of their aging issues. My mother was a very capable, efficient career woman. Since retirement she has lost a lot of confidence and assertiveness. She’ll call to tell me about a new health problem or medication but won’t remember anything in detail that her doctor said. She seems to accept everything he tells her without questioning further. Any suggestions?

Answer: You’re at a distinct disadvantage due to location since you can't encourage your mother to allow you to accompany her to medical appointments. If you were to observe first hand your mother’s demeanor while visiting her doctor or receiving other medical treatment it might give you a clearer picture of what is happening.

Your mother may be happy with her doctor and receiving good medical care. The problem possibly could be her view of medical professionals as authority figures—thus her inability to advocate for herself. She needs to be encouraged to speak up, ask questions, and take an active role in staying healthy.

A good relationship between a doctor and patient is a partnership, each assuming responsibility in the approach to good medical care. Your mother has an obligation to inform her doctor of concerns, new symptoms, side effects of medications, and any changes in health. She also needs to learn to ask questions when she doesn’t understand something; otherwise the assumption will be there isn’t a problem. The doctor hopefully will take the time to listen, and clearly explain the causes and treatment of physical problems. It takes cooperation on both individuals' part for this to be effective.

Encourage your mother to make a list of questions ahead of time and to write down what is discussed during the appointment. If notes are taken, it gives the family an opportunity to do research or follow-up if additional questions arise.

Your mother should ask for any written information available. Often there will be manufacturers' instructions for prescriptions or brochures about health conditions on hand at the doctor’s office. Becoming more educated may reduce unnecessary anxiety.

Speak with your mother about taking someone else with her to medical appointments. Is there another relative or good friend she would feel comfortable with? Encourage her to give her doctor permission to speak with you over the phone occasionally if you have concerns or questions.

The National Institute of Aging publishes a booklet “Talking With Your Doctor: A Guide for Older People." It is available at no charge by calling 1-800-222-2225. It was developed to help older people communicate successfully with their doctors.