Not Relieved After Placing Mom in a Home

Question: My mother came to live with me four years ago when she was diagnosed with an Alzheimer's type dementia. The situation was relatively calm until she suddenly started wandering and her behavior became unmanageable. After listening to advice from her physician and family members, I made the decision to place her in a nursing home. I thought I would feel relieved but I don't. Is this typical?

Answer: A recent study appearing in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows caregivers of dementia patients "suffered additional emotional trauma" following their decision to place their relative in a long-term institutional setting. Even caregivers who know without a doubt the outcome was in everyone's best interest can experience intense feelings of guilt, sadness, and remorse. Although the caregiver may no longer have the responsibility of providing direct care, they are not automatically relieved of the emotional stress related to the role.

Guilt results from perceiving you've done something wrong. In most instances, truly compassionate caregivers have done everything they possibly could to keep their loved one at home. Unfortunately it's not always enough. There are times when the level of care required to keep a person safe and stable is far greater than what an untrained person can provide in a non-medical setting.

Sadness or remorse is perfectly logical and understanding. If given the choice, wouldn't most of us want our older family members to have the option of living the remainder of their lives in the familiarity of home surroundings? It is painfully difficult to watch the physical and/or cognitive deterioration of someone we care about.

It appears you acted out of concern for your mother's wellbeing and wanted her to be properly cared for. Caregivers who have their relative's best interest at heart are often confronted with difficult dilemmas. So many families have gone through this soul-searching experience, questioning their final decision. Some thought it would never happen, and some may have even made promises to this effect. In your situation, a nursing home placement should not be perceived as failure, but more a result of facing reality and having the strength to make the difficult choice. Take a moment and think how you would have reacted if your mother had gotten lost or seriously injured because of your reluctance to take action.

Now is the time to focus on your own healing. If you are unable to come to terms with your decision it might be helpful to speak with others who have had similar experiences. Joining a caregiver support group would give you the opportunity to meet with other family members who have been down this road. Please contact Mystic Valley Elder Services at 781-324-7705 to learn about support groups and other resources.