Addressing Aging Concerns

Question: Not long ago I would have described my parents as a very loving couple. When I was growing up they seemed so happy together—it was a wonderful home environment for a child. Now that they are older (77 and 84), my mother snaps at my father about every little thing. The poor man can't do anything right. She says he is lazy and doesn't get anything done and he tells me all my mother does is nag. I don't understand what has happened to them? Please give me some advice.

Answer: Without personally knowing your parents, it is impossible to predict exactly what has happened. However, the scenario is similar to others we have encountered while working with families and their caregivers. It is highly possible that the reality of aging has emotionally thrown your mother off balance. As one recent report stated, old age continues to be viewed and “treated like an illness.” Instead of promoting ways to age gracefully, too much focus is put on the beauty of youth. The reality is we are all aging day by day and the healthy approach is learning to deal with the inevitability of one day being considered old.

Your mother's reference to your father being lazy may be how she perceives his less productive lifestyle. What she most likely isn't taking into account is the fact he should not be expected to accomplish the same tasks at age 84 as he did at 34—especially in the same amount of time. If your father is indeed slowing down, this should not be a reflection on his worth, nor should it warrant your mother's negativity.

Your mother may be struggling with coming to terms with her own changing body and functional level. She could possibly be depressed, frustrated, insecure, and perhaps even frightened about what the future may bring. If she doesn't feel good about herself it is going to influence her interactions with other people. It’s common for people to take out their frustrations on those closest to them. This isn't an excuse but it should help you to understand some of what may be going on in your parents’ lives.

Talk to your mother about your observations and encourage her to open up to you. Be careful not to introduce the topic by criticizing her, which might make her defensive. Instead, phrase it in a manner that conveys your concern. Emphasize that she has always been a loving and supportive woman and that her recent behavior is totally out of character. If she appears reluctant about talking to you, perhaps she would be more comfortable speaking with her physician or minister. Somehow the situation needs to be assessed to determine if your mother could benefit from professional counseling or other medical intervention.