Setting Limits in Caregiving

Question: I am a married woman with two very active teenage children. I work full time outside the home. As if that isn't enough to keep me busy, I also help out my aging parents. My mother's health has recently declined and she is very dependent on my father. He calls me for the most insignificant reasons and expects me to rush right over. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. How do I deal with all of this?

Answer: The short answer is you can’t deal with it for very long. Every once in a while you might meet someone who appears to be Superwoman or Superman, but this person is the exception to the rule. Most working people—and granted, most of the caregiving remains the woman’s responsibility—find it a challenge to balance their job, household responsibilities, caring for children, a relationship with a spouse, and helping older family members. We may be able to keep everything running smoothly for a while but something has to give—unless we remember how to do one important thing: set limits.

Far too many of us believe we should be able to do it all and do it to the point of perfection, all the while making it look so easy. This is the most direct route to total burnout. Caregivers struggle with guilt, frustration, anger and a sense of failure when they can't manage to keep the juggling act going full force. Although it may not be easy to set boundaries, it is absolutely essential in order to survive the multiple demands on your time.

Learn to say “no.” You won’t say no always, but be selective. Usually it is relatively clear which requests are reasonable and which are not. Talk to your father in a calm and kindly manner and explain the limitations of your time and energy. Be realistic about what you can and can't do. Let your father know that if he truly needs you you will make every attempt to be there as soon as possible. There is a difference between needing someone to help take your mother to the doctor versus going to the corner store to pick up a newspaper. When first starting to help a parent, caregivers often assume responsibility for so many tasks that they inadvertently set themselves up for failure. It is in your best interest and your parents’ best interest to scale back on your duties in order to ensure your involvement for the long term.

How can you scale back? Enlist and accept help from others when they offer assistance. Family members, friends, and neighbors may truly want to become involved. Listen to their offers, express your appreciation, and as a family unit decide what will be most beneficial. Seek help from other sources such as a grocery shopping service, homemaking service, and even a laundry service. These services do not replace the “personal touch” offered by you and others close to your parents but they can be an enormous help in getting those all important daily tasks accomplished. By getting others involved, you will have the opportunity to focus where you are most needed and protect your own emotional and physical well being.