Friend's Cancer Causes Concern

Question: I have an elderly friend who is terminally ill with cancer. She is still able to get around and keep up with her daily routine in spite of her illness. Apart from her illness, the main problem she is dealing with is that one of her sons refuses to acknowledge what his mother is going through. My friend is very hurt and states she has failed as a mother if her son could do this to her when she needs him the most. I am tempted to call her son, whom I’ve known since he was a small child, but don’t know if I should get involved. What would you suggest?

Answer: You are obviously a very concerned, compassionate individual and a loyal friend. Realize, however, that you are probably walking a very fine line—being supportive is an admirable characteristic but don’t let it lead to interference. Remember the phrase from the movie Cool Hand Luke from years ago? “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” This may be the situation between your friend and her son. Neither is able to express to the other the feelings each is struggling with.

It really isn’t fair for anyone to make a judgment about why the son is in denial or has pulled away. Some adult children start the grieving process long before their parent has left this earth. Observing the physical and mental deterioration of a mother or father is incredibly painful for some individuals. Intellectually, we all know the laws of nature suggest parents will precede their children in death. Yet, this doesn’t make it any easier and for those unprepared emotionally, withdrawal is a way of coping. Your friend’s son may come around on his own and face the situation or he may need professional help to accept his mother’s illness. He may not even be aware of how his actions are being interpreted by his mother. However, I’m not sure that you’re the right one to address this with him.

Has your friend attempted to talk with her son about her illness and his reaction to not only her diagnosis, but also her death? It seems there is some responsibility on both sides to reach out to each other. The mother wants communication from her son but has she tried to talk to him? It is perfectly understandable how a dying person may be concentrating on themselves, but when there is family involved, everyone is impacted by the eventuality.

I recommend that you continue to be there for your friend whenever she needs you. Listen to her and be understanding if and when she talks about her son. Be careful not to openly criticize his actions, lest she unexpectedly turn on you. It is one thing for a family member to criticize one of their own but when outsiders say something negative, emotions can swing rapidly.